A commentary and journal site for the author. Topics will include Christian issues, gaming, comics, cartoons, news, and anything else I feel like talking about at the moment.
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Friday, January 24, 2003
Southern Visiting Rules
Even as a lifelong Buckeye, I find the following to be both true and funny. Heck, most of them are true where I live (Butler County Ohio) too :)
From This Link.
If you are going to live, or visit in the South, you need to know the rules. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Southerner’s mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter a Southern State.
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It’s called a “gravel road.” No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. The red dirt – it’s called clay. Red clay. If you like the color, don’t wash your car for a couple weeks – it’ll be permanent. The big lumps of it – they’re called “clods.”
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
5. Any references to “corn fed” when talking about our women will get you whipped – by our women.
6. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for – bait.
7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
8. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose and whatevers, and wear your hair long, go right ahead, but if we call you ma’am, don’t be offended.
9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it’s not up to your ear at the time.
10. That’s right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
11. No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
12. Tea – yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot – sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened – add a lot of water.
13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
14. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We’re real impressed. We have a quarter of a million dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.
15. Let’s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it’s
red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.
16. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks – because they want to. So, you’re
a feminist. Isn’t that cute.
17. We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast), we go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, we go to high school football games on Friday nights, we still address our seniors with “yes, sir” and “yes, ma’am,” and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
18. We don’t do “hurry up” well.
19. Greens – yeah, we have greens, but you don’t putt on them. You boil them with either salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.
20. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the bait shop.
21. They are pigs. That’s what they smell like. Get over it. Don’t like it? Interstate 65 goes two ways – Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.
22. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. You want to put milk and sugar on them? Then you want cream of wheat – go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.
23. The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.
24. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it’s called being friendly. Understand the concept?
25. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators – and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they’re not baseball players.
26. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an
idiot – his name is “Sir,” no matter how young he is.
27. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they’ll leave a logo on your hood.
28. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature – all four of them – enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.
Now, enjoy your visit – I emphasize “visit.”
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
Hey Hey We're the Yankees...
Here we come,
Rolling down the street.
We get the funniest looks from
All the French we meet.
Hey Hey, we're the Yankees
And liberals say they don't want our tanks,
But we're too busy saving
Your ass, and you don't say, "Thanks."
We go wherever we're needed,
Do what we have to do.
We don't have time for your whining,
Your cheese needs saving, too.
We're just trying to be friendly,
Sorry you don't like the smell,
But we're the ones who get dirty,
Protecting you from hell.
Words of Wisdom
From here. The following is a cut-n-paste, minus the anti-Navy stuff.
1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your
friends who have guns.
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is
3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough
nor using cover correctly.
5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and
diagonal movement are preferred.)
6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a
friend with a long gun.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or
tactics. They will only remember who lived.
8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and
9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more
dependent on [CENSORED Jan 27 2003] than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. Have a plan.
13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
16. Don't drop your guard.
17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your
hands where I can see them.
19. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
23. Your number one option for personal security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not
start with a "4."
13 is something I'm a firm believer in. I'd say I espouse 21 too, but then people would start to worry.
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
More Confirmation That, Surprise Surprise, the Bengals Suck!
Bengals come in last as the worst franchise is professional sports. This includes the NFL, NBA, and MLB at the least (not sure about hockey).
In fairness, the three expansion franchises weren't ranked in the Overall category.
Be sure to follow the link at the bottom of that page (or here). The Bengals never rank higher than 116 out of 121 in any of the categories!